We Are Not an Equal Opportunity Employer
Thank you for submitting your application. If your skills and qualifications match the requirements of this position, a representative will contact you. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of resumes that we receive, we are not able to speak with everyone.
We want to remind you we are not an equal opportunity employer.
While we would, in theory, like to provide equal opportunity to all qualified individuals without regard to race, color, religion, national origin, gender or other basis as prohibited by applicable federal, state or local law, we’ve fallen behind on this prerogative.
For example, the recently deceased are not eligible for employment. Nor, we should state, are the less recently deceased.
We just want to be clear.
While we claim we hire regardless of sexual orientation, this is slightly misleading. We’ve been limited to the heterosexual and LGBT communities, and there simply isn’t much opportunity for those falling outside of these designations.
For example, we’ve never hired a starfish, which reproduces asexually. Nor have we hired a shark, which can change its sex on a whim in order to reproduce. This is something we’d like to rectify, but we have a hard time imagining a harmonious environment if asexual or sequential hermaphroditic reproductive beings were to join our staff at this time.
To our best knowledge, we’ve also never hired an egg-laying mammal, but we could be mistaken. To be honest, we’re not that studied in monotremes.
Currently, our workspace is not outfitted with any large bodies of water. While we’d like to employ any manner of creature that requires liquidized oxygen for respiration, we can’t make any promises. We do have a water cooler, outfitted with fairly large plastic cups.
While we can’t publicly state that we refuse employment based on color, we tend to avoid the particularly jaundiced. It may be a stereotype, but experience has shown us that those whose livers are seeping bilirubin into their bloodstreams just don’t put in that 110 percent effort we value.
In the same vein, we would love to hire regardless of political or religious affiliation, but we would like to restate our policy that no heavenly and/or divine miracles are to be observed and/or performed during work hours. Employees are permitted to raise the dead, transform water into wine or restore sight to the blind, but it’s got to be done outside company time. We’ve had significant trouble with this in the past.
And, as clearly stated in the FAQ page on our website, this does include ritualistic sacrifice.
Finally, while we’re supposed to hire regardless of country of origin, we don’t hire people from Finland. Fuck Finland.
People of Sweden are highly encouraged to apply.
Thank you again for your application! Appropriate applicants will be contacted.
Now, to be serious, we really are not an equal opportunity employer. We are very meticulous about who we hire, when, and why. We will never discriminate based on one of the restricted catagories, but we are very restrictive on qualifcation, and work history.
We ask that all applicants, regardless of education, have verifiable work history in the construction industry, and yes, we will verify. If you hold a trade license, or are former military, you will automatically be pushed to the top of the list.
We do not employ felons, or anyone convicted of a violent crime or domestic violence. Again, we will verify this.
If you are truly interested in joining this great company, or one of our sister companies, please fill out the documents below, and include them with a copy of your resume, to email@example.com
All positions will be independent contractors (1099), for the time being. Some exceptions may be made.
Requirements for Employment:
Minimum of 2 years verifiable experience.
Knowledge of hand and power tools, and carpentry.
Specific knowledge of the construction industry.
Good communication and sales skills
Fluent English is required.
Must be able to lift 50lbs at any given time, and occasionally more.
Clean driving record, no more than 2 moving violations in the past year.†
Clean criminal record. No Felonies, or domestic arrests or convictions.†
Must have your own tools. Cordless recommended.
Must have a reliable vehicle. Truck or van preferred.
Must be in good physical health.
† We will conduct a thorough background investigation and driving record check prior to any offer of employment.
‡ You may be required to take a pre-employment drug screening.